I Never Thought I’d Say This, But…

…I have a little confession to make. I may be suffering from mild chronic anxiety. Okay, I haven’t really consulted a specialist on this, but reading through various definitions of the said syndrome sort of validates my claim. Or I may be just overreacting.

Chronic anxiety or generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry.

Okay, it may not be as excessive nor uncontrollable as it seems, but it is oftentimes irrational anxiety about certain things. Just to set the record straight, I am not taking any prohibited drugs nor am I alcohol-induced.

Miggy and I are going through a rough patch. No, it is nothing grave, but something else that we find equally important. You see, Miggy was transferred to Army Reserve early this year. After six years of being on Active Service, he opted to return to school, and take up Criminal Justice as a bachelor’s degree. Since he moved to California, he no longer lives within the base. According to him, he only needs to report to the camp once a month for a year or so in lieu of Active Service during his tenure.

He really wanted to get a job immediately, so he submitted his resumé to various employers as soon as he got back from his Manila trip. It’s been a month since, and he remains unemployed. It isn’t so much about not having enough to sustain his basic needs, but being jobless makes him grow weary. Every day he would tell me that no one has called him yet. Or that there are those who called, but when he told them that he’s getting married late this year, and that it would require him to go on leave for some time, they turned him down. Anxiety # 1, ladies and gentlemen.

Second on my list would be wedding jitters. I know this may sound ridiculous because our wedding’s distant enough to conceive a baby, but I certainly feel the pressure building up most especially when I look into my to-do’s list. So much to do, so little time. Considering we’re not even having a grand wedding.

Perhaps the third culprit in my distress will be my trust issues. Experiences from the past might have contributed to this pressing concern, and everyday—every single day—is a struggle to overcome such feeling. For almost a week now, I have been having nightmares dreams about awful things that give me a massive headache upon waking up. I don’t know where the heck these illusions are coming from, but they are slowly eating me up inside. Let me get this straight, though: there is no issue of infidelity or whatsoever involved here, but it gets worse when I start thinking about all possible would-be scenarios.

Every time I entertain the slightest doubt in my head, I tend to become invasive. I will exert all my efforts in searching for answers. More often than not, the truth confirms my assumptions, and it consumes me because I never want to be the last to know. I become jealous even for the wrong reasons. That green-eyed monster works his way up, messing with my head. It becomes ugly to the point that it manifests in the form of restlessness, difficulty in concentrating, irritability, muscle tension, and even sleep disturbance.

Whenever I feel an onset of any of these symptoms, I convince myself into opening up with one of my closet friends, just letting it all out until I feel the lump in my throat gone. There are days when I don’t feel like talking, so I use up my energy on physical activities such as working out or playing sports. I am able to exhaust all the negativity inside until my head clears up, and eventually feel better.

I may be overreacting, but awareness is always a good thing, in my opinion. I am a work-in-progress. Every day remains a constant battle with things that stress me out, but I’m trying to always see the good in everything to ward off unnecessary thoughts. If these things no longer work for me, then I guess I need to seek professional help, but until then, I should be fine.

Been in a similar situation? How did you deal with anxiety? If not, how would you? Let’s talk. I’d love to hear from you.

5 thoughts on “I Never Thought I’d Say This, But…

  1. Ah. I didn’t know this term/syndrome before, but I always believe I am a chronic worrier. I think being an OC is one reason for that, too.

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  2. I saved this post for last, Jae, because I’m not entirely certain what to say. I think you are doing all the right things – taking care of yourself, eating right, exercising. You also seem to have a good handle on why you are feeling this way. If the anxiety increases, don’t be afraid to ask your doctor for something mild for anxiety to help you through. I suspect all of this will go away after you are married. Don’t you? Take care, Jae.

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    • To be honest, Ms Maddie, I was a little hesitant in publishing this post because it reveals so much about me. I mean, my website is a personal one, but this one post is a step deeper into my whole being. The anxiety becomes scary when I feel an onset of a breakdown or something like that.

      I hope I don’t get to the point that I need to seek professional help because just the thought freaks me out. And yes, I’m praying that all these will be gone by the time I get married—all the more when I’ve moved in with Miggy in the US (hopefully about the same time next year).

      Thank you for this, Ms Maddie. I really appreciate it. :)

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