Daily Prompt: Hey, Jealousy

My then-boyfriend returned home for an R&R from Iraq. He was only given 15 days, so he wanted his vacation to be as memorable as possible for both of us. A few days before he flies back to Iraq, he was invited to a mini-high school reunion. He thought the idea was thrilling, so he agreed to meet them. It goes without saying that I will be his date.

The get-together was held within their school premises. Incidentally, their school head is a distant relative of my father, hence the familiarity. We were casually late. It was intentional; my then-boyfriend’s brilliant idea.

It was no fancy reunion, but I made an extra effort to look good. I put make-up, wore one of my best tunic dress over a pair of leggings, and my favorite gold thong flats to complete the ensemble. Talk about getting dressed to impress. My date, on the other hand, settled for a blue-striped yellow collared shirt and denims.

There were already a few people when we arrived. Most of them were familiar faces—my former high school classmates. After a couple of hi’s and hello’s, we made our way inside the room. There were a generous amount of food and drinks on the long table situated at the center of the room. They even had a karaoke TV set up to fulfill the typical Filipino high school reunion.

I sat at a nearby arm chair, one that fits a sixth-grader, and observed around me. Only then did I realize that someone else was drawing the entire room’s attention to her. Apparently, my date used to go to the same school this certain local celebrity went to. Damn, she’s pretty in person. No, she’s hot. She didn’t even look like she’s already given birth. There’s not much going on with her outfit; in fact, she only had a white tank top, a pair of what-looked-like yoga pants, and black Havaianas on. Oh, did I mention that she went there bare-faced? Just looking at her makes me feel so over-dressed and a hundred more different emotions.

Suddenly, I’m restless. So uncomfortable that I had to go out and take a breather. I called a friend, a colleague from work. I was in the middle of giving her a blow-by-blow account of what happened back there when my date came rushing to me. He was confused, annoyed, and worried at once. It took him a lot of nonsense pleading to make me come back inside. When I finally gave in, my mood changed altogether. I became even more uneasy and pissed for what-I-thought no apparent reason.

This state of mind went on for what-felt-like-forever until I told my date that I wanted to leave. He sure was having a grand time, catching up with his good ol’ pals, but I’m too consumed with this God-awful feeling. My then-boyfriend, though really bent out of shape, complied and took me home. I was crying on our way home, and it made matters worse.

When we got home, he was silent. You know the-calm-before-the-storm kind of silence. I knew I had some explaining to do on what happened back there, and by the looks of it, he won’t buy crap. Though reluctant, I tried to explain the best way I can. How does one rationalize jealousy anyway?

It took hours to sort things out with my then-boyfriend. Bottomline: there was nothing to be jealous about. Really. Apparently, I created a full-grown green-eyed monster in my head for something that’s not even worth it. Nothing went on between my guy and that local celebrity. They were not even from the same year level!

My then-boyfriend is now my fiancé and, soon, will be my husband. I can’t say I have overcome being skeptical about certain things, but at least now I try to assess or evaluate the situation first before caving in to jealousy itself. The skeletons in my closet, my so-called insecurities, are the culprit and the green-eyed monster feed on them. Women are a generally a work-in-progress. We don’t change for the better overnight. You know the cliché, it takes two to tango, hence relationships must be dealt by both parties like grown-ups would.

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative – self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it’s a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.

—Jennifer James

This post is a response to The Daily Post’s Daily Prompt on 23 May 2013.

6 thoughts on “Daily Prompt: Hey, Jealousy

  1. Pingback: Ireland, 75 shades of green | Ireland, Multiple Sclerosis & Me

  2. It’s a horrible feeling. I slam it into turbo-bitch when jealousy hits. :)) Thankfully, I have been better at controlling my feelings, hahaha! High-five for life realizations, girl friend! :)

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